I feel estranged, as if I was walking a dark forest that lives only inside my veins. I'm fearful that I'll lose my way, that I might be getting myself in a darker path, it is at the end ok, since I walk both in darkness and light, that makes me whole, complex, healthy, balanced. But I've noticed I still fear my emotions since they're strong and never to be tamed. That's why long ago I decided to burry them, lock them inside of me in a place where no sound could come out. I've worked very hard, payed a lot of money to find the place I had put them in and then invite them out again, "wild horses" I call them. Yet, there's moments, -perhaps I should stop drinking coffee but I get so sleepy- they're quite unbearable, even violent. Writing doesn't help either, it used to help but now instead of easing my emotions it makes them rattle, like a burning snake. Sometimes sadness conceals them, they can't swim very well in it, it forces them to move slowly and it gives me a better view, clearer, with that slowing effect that underwater objects produce. 

I'm still scared of what people might think about my emotions, even a little embarrassed, and even tho I'm as available and honest as I've ever been, I move in sudden and frightful motions, whispering "I'm sorry, I'm scared" not quite loud enough for people to hear me. I don't want to pull away, for my only purpose is to get closer, to see clearer, to feel warmer. How can I light a candle that is not to close so to burn the saint, or too far that it won't light it. I'm smart enough -or so I think- to know that this won't kill me, that's there's no real danger, but just because I rationally think that, doesn't make it true. For my emotions live in a completely different dimension and the gravity laws are different, and I have no idea how to breath there. 

Do you think butterflies know where they're going? can they differentiate between streets and avenues? Sometimes my home feels like small place, when I wake up is big and full and I feel at ease, but as the day goes by it becomes smaller and smaller as if no possibility could fit in it. 

And God, all I can do is talk to God, I used to do it in the morning time only, but lately I need more of God, I ask for advice but it's hard to get advice from something that speaks thru symbols only, yesterday I got a yellow bird, a vulture's feather, and a hunch. I'm still trying to decode it, but it's not enough for me to act on it, today my friend had a dream, she's not one to talk about dreams with me but she told me this one, I thought it was another symbol, but I'm not strong enough to act on it. If God would speak to me thru words I would jump in a heartbeat. I think about Virgin Mary's feet a lot, you're often told to put everything at her feet and she'll take care of it, I've been meaning to go visit her, but I haven't, instead I drink, sleep, fuck. 

I'm not a catholic, but I grew up in a highly catholic place and truthfully as the years go by I find certain confort in their archetypes, I only like the idea of virgin Mary, even tho she's no virgin to my eyes, I mean she had a child for goodness sake. But she embodies kindness, beauty and strength, plus she's a woman who walked the earth and there's nothing harder or more beautiful than being a woman on earth. And the church, I like being in a place -shortly- where people go and pray, where people go in with an open heart hoping for salvation of some kind. It's a great place to take in, I like to see people on their knees believing in something.